


The Interloper That is John Egbert (Also Known As: When John, Once Again, Tried To Stop Dave and Jade From Smooching It Up)

by HeartMaid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/M, John is a buttface, Makeouts yes, Oneshot, They're just a bit older, but nothing too graphic, like early twenties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 14:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1431178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartMaid/pseuds/HeartMaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert has always been the one to walk in on Dave and Jade, not always on accident, and there have been multiple incidents that have happened over the years. However, one evening, when Jade and Dave have their weekly Netflix Roulette, John decides to pop in, and things get a little crazy.<br/>(Inspired by true events that have happened in my life)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Interloper That is John Egbert (Also Known As: When John, Once Again, Tried To Stop Dave and Jade From Smooching It Up)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I know I have a current story going on, but I guess this is my way of getting back into writing once again. I apologize if I got the characters way off, and if I did, please let me know for future reference.

"Be there in about twenty minutes." A voice cracked over the speakerphone of the phone that belonged to none other than Jade Harley. Who's voice was saying that it would be over in less than a half hour? That was the voice of her boyfriend, Dave Strider. It was Friday night, and they had a tradition in which they would get on Netflix and scroll through the movies, starting with categories, then the actual movies themselves, with their eyes closed, and they had to watch whatever movie fate had chosen for them, no matter how bad or cheesy it was. This week, it was Jade's week to host this little get-together with Dave, but it would be different from any other week, because her brother, John, was in town, and he was probably planning on dropping in unexpectedly during his visit.

Now, Dave and John were bros, best bros, actually, but John had a history of...interrupting certain things, and most of the time, it was on purpose, just to be a nuisance. There was the incident when Dave and Jade were juniors in high school, and as they were saying their goodbyes in Dave's car, which was parked in her driveway, things got a bit...heated. In short, the driver's seat was laid back, and Dave and Jade were in a serious moment of lip locking. Just as they were about to move this little goodbye to the backseat, the piercing sound of an air horn rang through the air outside, and startled the two. When they looked to see what was going on, they saw John, as skinny and pale as he was, down to his boxers and running around like a banshee. It even got to the point where he pressed his bare chest against the driver's window. Jade and Dave were too shocked to even react to this, but it got worse as John yelled at the top of his lungs: "YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME DAVE! HOW COULD YOU?!" That was when Dave muttered some swears under his breath, and Jade promptly scooted off of him and back into the passenger's seat. Jade didn't look at John for three days after that, because if she did, she probably would have tried to kill him. 

Unfortunately, that was a mere misdemeanor on the long list of things John had done to "preserve his precious sister's pure body", as he had put it at one point, as dramatically as he possibly could. The worst John had ever done involved water balloons filled with grape kool aid, after-prom shenanigans, a lot of shouting, and Jade's prom dress being burned. 

Anyway, back to the present, the twenty-year-old woman, who was just finishing up getting ready by taming her long, thick mane that was her hair, replied back, "Okay! I'll see you then! I love you!" She smiled a bit when she told Dave she loved him, she always did. Although she couldn't see it right now, Dave was smiling too. 

"I love you too, Har." Dave said just before hanging up. It was a few moments later when Jade settled on putting her hair in a long side braid, and sighed with content. She then examined her outfit, which was just her favorite white mid calf peasant skirt, and a light green sleeveless, collared, button-up blouse tucked into the skirt. There was a light brown, leather, weaved belt which was loosely settled on her the top of her hips, where the skirt and the blouse met.

As Jade was leaving her bathroom, there was a knock on the door, which made her curious, because her call with Dave ended only eight minutes ago. "If that's him, I'll have to explain the concept of time to him..." Jade mumbled as she looked through the little eyehole in her door...and who was standing there was not who she expected. No, it was her brother, the one and only, John Egbert. 

Probably against her better judgement, Jade opened the door, only to be scooped up in the arms of her tall, gangly brother. "Oh my baby sister, it's been so loooooong!" John exclaimed with laughter soon following from both parties. Now, Jade was actually older than John, by just a few months, but she was still older, and John had just seen her a couple weeks ago. 

"Oh hush John! It hasn't been that long! And I'm older than you!" Jade retorted, still laughing. The only reason she looked younger was because John stood at about 6'2", and Jade was about 5'4", so there was almost a foot between them, which meant John felt obligated to call her his "baby sister". 

"So, what are you up to tonight? Because I think we should go out and get crazy!" John chuckled as he set his sister down and entered her apartment, then closed the door like it was his own home. Jade moved to the side, and sat on the barstool in front of her counter. She was about to reply when she remembered that in about ten minutes, her boyfriend would be showing up. 

"Actually John, I hate to break it to you, but Dave's coming over soon, like, I'm talking in ten minutes soon, so we'll have to rainche-" Jade began to explain, but was then cut off by John, who gasped like a vacuum cleaner that was turned on, then turned right back off. 

"Dave is coming over?! Now I have to stay. Because I don't want him trying to get freaky with you." He started this off as a shocked statement, then it turned into a very matter-of-fact, smartass statement, which John was good at making. His arms were crossed, and so were Jade's. 

"John, I'm twenty years old. If we so choose to 'get freaky'," She began, with finger quotes, "then we are allowed to do so. And yoooooou can't do anything about it!" She then jabbed her finger on John's chest to emphasize the fact that 'heeeeeee' couldn't do anything. Although Jade was pretty sure that nothing was going to happen like that, she didn't want John to see that if it did. That would be the worst scenario possible. 

"Nope, I'm staying!" John declared as he moved away from Jade's finger, and stomped his feet on the ground, acting like they were now glued to the floor. Jade huffed, and jumped down from the barstool. 

"John. No. You are not even going to be in a hundred foot radius from this apartment. You. Leave. Now." She then got behind him and started shoving him towards the door. This action prompted John to fall backwards on top of her slowly. 

"Gravity is increasing on meeeeee!" John said as he was falling backwards, then toppled on top of Jade back first. He couldn't contain his laughter, and Jade was wiggling under him. 

"Your butt is crushing me!" Jade shrieked as she rolled out from under him, then sat up. It was just like when they were kids. "Seriously John, you have to-" A knock on the door interrupted that statement, and her face contorted into one of panic. She stood up quickly, and dragged John by his arms into her bedroom, then shut him in there. "You come out before he leaves, and you die." She hissed under the crack of the door. Jade had warned Dave that John might be there, but she didn't think it'd actually happen. Another knock sounded from the door. 

"J, you there?" Dave's muffled voice sounded from the other side of the door. He sounded a bit concerned, because normally the door is open by the first knock.

"Just a sec!" Jade straightened the rug in front of the door up, then opened it to Dave Strider, who stood just an inch taller than John, with his platinum hair, his freckled face, the same sunglasses he's had since age thirteen perched on his nose, and a bag of Chinese food hanging from his arm. "Hey Dave!" She greeted before pecking him on the lips, and letting him in. 

As always, Dave kicked off his shoes, sat the bag of food on the counter, and enveloped Jade in a hug. "Hey there, J." He said as he kissed the top of her head gently, and as she wrapped her arms around his torso. When they let go, Dave asked, "What was all that noise I heard in the hall? You okay?" Not wanting to tell Dave about the unexpected visitor, Jade just smiled and replied,

"Oh, there was just a huge spider I was trying to kill, and I had John on the phone." She hoped that would convince him enough to put his guard back down. Luckily for her, it did, just a bit. 

"Alright then. Now, let us partake in this overpriced, yet really delicious food." Dave chuckled as he dug through the bag to pull out some shrimp lo mein for himself, and General Tso's chicken and fried rice for Jade. He didn't want to admit it, but he was a bit of a wimp when it came to spicy food. Jade grabbed the forks and spoons from the drawer, and proceeded to sit at the bar with Dave. He slid over her container of steaming hot food, and she opened it excitedly. 

Within forty five minutes, they had both completed their dinners, and were now sitting on Jade's couch. They sat next to each other with Jade's legs draped over Dave's lap. Okay, Dave was sitting, Jade was halfway laying down. The tv was turned on, and Jade had the controller to her Xbox in her hands. She found Netflix, and fired it up.

"Alright Dave, ready?" Jade grinned. 

"Hell yeah." He replied with a smirk. They both slammed their eyes shut, and Jade moved the thumb stick up and down at random intervals, and heard the blooping coming from the screen. About thirty seconds later, the selection that was made was in the 'Because you watched "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"'section. They opened their eyes, and Dave looked slightly offended. 

"What?" Jade asked, not sure as to why he had that look on his face.

"You watched Ferris Bueller without me?" Dave replied with a tone of fake appalled-ness in his voice. He wasn't really offended, but that just so happened to be one of his favorite movies. 

"Whoops. I mean, I just wanted to see what the hooplah was about that you and everyone else had surrounding this movie, and now I know, because it's really, really good." Jade grinned as she explained her reasoning to him. He grinned right back, and was not so "offended" anymore. They shut their eyes once more, and hoped for the best as Jade's thumb went back and forth on the thumb stick, and the blooping of Netflix began once more. Soon, she stopped, and they opened their eyes to find that they were watching..."The Breakfast Club". This was one of those lucky nights, because it was actually a good movie. It could have been a lot worse, and it has been much, much worse before as far as the selection went. Satisfied with the choice that wasn't really an option for them, Dave and Jade high-fived before they snuggled up together, and started the movie. 

Now, as they were filling the next near two hours with Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, and the rest of the Breakfast Club, John was locked in Jade's room, forbidden to come out until Dave left. So, that left him to do one thing: snoop through Jade's belongings. Normally, he wouldn't do that, but he had to get back at her somehow. He began with her drawers, which weren't all that interesting because he was not at all interested in his sister's underwear. No, he needed to hit her where it hurt most, her soaps and "beauty junk", as he commonly referred to it as, at least, that's where he thought it'd hurt her most. As he went through these things, he started to just pour some of the items, like her shampoo, conditioner, and some of her makeup down the drain. Then came the cosmetic hair products, which he skillfully combined together the ones that weren't in aerosol cans, he was good, but not that good. It took him a while, but he finally was able to mess with Jade's things and put everything back in it's place, so he wouldn't tip her off towards any suspicion. He could have done better, had he been prepared to be locked in his sister's bedroom. 

He looked at the clock, and it was about an hour later after the movie had started. At this point, he was bored, so, time to mess with Jade more. 

"What can I do...?" John muttered as he looked around the room, but then a stroke of genius hit him in the face like a dodgeball in gym class. He then ransacked Jade's top drawer to grab one of her bras, then he stripped down to his underwear. He put the bra on, then went into her bathroom to stuff it with toilet paper. He checked his handiwork in the mirror, then crept towards the bedroom door silently. John turned the doorknob just slightly to see if it was locked, and it wasn't. "Psh, amateur." He snickered, then opened the door very slyly. 

At this point, Jade and Dave were fully immersed in the movie to where they didn't even see John enter the room. John slinked around, and laid down on top of both of them. "Hey there." He said "seductively", and winked at both of them. Jade paused the movie, looked down at John, and furrowed her eyebrows. Dave, on the other hand, just started cracking up laughing. He took the situation a lot less seriously, because of how stupid he thought John looked. 

"John, is that my bra?" Jade asked, then stopped John before he could answer. "You know what? I don't care, just take it off, and scoot." She thought that if she didn't react, John wouldn't have as much fun with this. 

"Alright, but just so you two know...I'm here, and I'm watching." John sounded very serious, which was all part of his act. He scampered back into Jade's room, and shut the door behind him. Jade sighed, and looked over at Dave, whose chuckles were dying down. 

"So, when were you planning on telling me he was practicing his stripper act here?" Dave joked, which earned him a light punch in the arm from Jade. He rubbed the spot where he was slugged, and snickered. 

"Well, I hoped the threat would have kept him in there, but I guess not." Jade told him, but then, she got an idea of her own. "Dave, I have an idea." She told him with a smirk on her face. 

"What is i-mmph!" Dave was cut off by Jade's lips crashing into his. It took him a second, but he got the plan, and reciprocated the kiss. As the minutes went by, the kiss got deeper, and more physical. They were both so wrapped up in this moment, and it stopped being a plan, but just a spur of the moment idea. They didn't even start the movie back up again. Their lips were in perfect time with the other's, and they clung to each other like leeches. Jade had one arm around the base of the back of Dave's neck, and one hand on his cheek. Dave had both arms around Jade's waist, and he fell back onto the couch, with Jade on top of him. 

The kissing continued for what seemed like two minutes, but was really more around ten or fifteen. That was when John burst in the room, and screeched: 

"YOUR HANDS. THEY NEED TO GET OFF MY SISTER." Dave and Jade separated the kiss, looked at John dead in the eyes...and flipped him off. They then resumed what they were doing, like John wasn't even there. Okay, now they were acting just a bit, because they were moaning louder and more frequently so they could just get him to leave them be. This was basically their revenge for John's interruptions all these years, and it was hard for them to keep from laughing. How couldn't they? John just stood there with his mouth agape like a statue.

And this is why John will never, ever again visit Jade on Friday nights.


End file.
